I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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