I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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