Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
