Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
