i'm signing you up for texting rehab
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
