mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
