dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
