Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
