you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
