i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
