chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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