craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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