I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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