even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
