Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just high enough for therapy.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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