Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
