hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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