alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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