Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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