Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
