Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
