I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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