This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
