I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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