Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
