Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
