I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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