i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
