Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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