i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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