Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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