Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
