I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
