If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
