her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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