There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
