I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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