Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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