i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize