I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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