nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize