were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
