Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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