Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
