tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
drinking out of a sandbucket again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
