You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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