even my farts smell like vagina
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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