Umm I'm too high to move.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
