Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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