I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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