I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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