Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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