GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
so much tequila, so little girl.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need a beard to bite.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
