I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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