i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it because I queefed?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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