his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
