My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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